Jan. 29th, 2016

i_love_freddie: (Freddie)
"All lies and jest still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

Everyone says they want honesty. It is basically a given – who wants any kind of relationship with someone who will lie?

Think about it.

"Well yes you are very fat, you already know that or you wouldn't be asking."
“Actually, I really hated that meal you just spent three hours cooking.”
“Wow, you have the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”
“That new haircut is awful.”
“You know, you are the worst lover I have ever had.”
“No, I don't want to date you because I find you physically repulsive and ignorant.”

Being autistic, but undiagnosed until I was 25 years old, I had to learn what a lot of people take for granted. I have no filter, so I often randomly say whatever comes into my head – regardless of how rude, embarrassing or un-PC it is. I try to think before I speak, and I don't mean to offend people, but it happens.

But the biggest problem, the thing I hate most, is when someone asks me a question. Especially “How are you?” I cannot tell you how much I loath people asking me that. In my mind, if you make that enquiry then you want to hear about my recent health issues and how my dog has been sick etc. etc. If you don't care, then don't ask!

Because I am no good at telling lies. It is neither easy or natural for me. I can't count how many times someone has asked me a question and then gotten upset, offended or even abusive because I have given them a direct and honest answer. Granted, sometimes my answer can be a bit more blunt and direct than they were maybe expecting. Over the years I have learned how to sometimes tell the truth in a more sensitive way, and I have also learned that sometimes it is better to just keep my mouth shut.

But I do not understand why so many people insist that they value honesty, and then throw a tantrum when they don't like what they hear. Or ask for advice and proceed to argue with it. What do they want from me?

Don't ask an aspie a question unless you want to hear an honest answer.

These days I tend to only let people in my life who understand that I am honest and direct, and sometimes unintentionally hurtful. I don't mean to be and will always apologise if I have said something out of line, but it happens. Interaction with people is not easy for me because I can't take the necessary time to think through every little word before it comes out of my mouth. The people who love me know that it is just something I struggle with and help me work out what is acceptable to say and what isn't.

I am slowly getting more confident. One day maybe I will be able to join in a group conversation without a huge amount of anxiety. In the meantime? I am who I am. If someone asks me a question, they will get an honest answer. If someone asks for my opinion, they will hear what I really think. If they want to take offence, that is their choice.

But in my experience, most people don't want to hear the truth, they only hear what they want to hear.


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