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Feb. 4th, 2011 11:19 pmI can't cope with what is happening now. This back and forward behaviour - being abusive, nasty, selfish one minute, then being nice and generous the next. It's too much.
What if... deep down... I am like her? What if there is something bad deep inside?
All the old feelings have come back and I'm back to alternativing between being furious at her and absolutely hating myself. I can't shake off these feelings that maybe it is me, that it is my fault, that all the things she says about me are true. She has never abused my two younger sisters... so maybe I deserved it? And in a way I almost want to believe that because a small part of me still doesn't want to believe that my mother is such a nasty person.
Perhaps the worst part is... I don't know how to handle these feelings and my relationship. Sometimes I'm scared because I'm convinced that Dave is going to realise that I am a bad person and leave me. Other times I just feel so insecure that I don't understand how he could possibly love someone like me. Even though we have a good relationship and he says he is happy, I feel like I'm being unfair to expect him to deal with this, and I should let him go so he can find someone better. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting to keep him with me, despite all this?
So many times in the last few days I have been on the verge of texting him and telling him to just find someone else. Find someone decent and clean and normal, because that's what he deserves.
If my mother couldn't love me, if I'm so bad that my own mother put me in a position where I could be abused, how on earth can I expect anyone else to love me?
What if... deep down... I am like her? What if there is something bad deep inside?
All the old feelings have come back and I'm back to alternativing between being furious at her and absolutely hating myself. I can't shake off these feelings that maybe it is me, that it is my fault, that all the things she says about me are true. She has never abused my two younger sisters... so maybe I deserved it? And in a way I almost want to believe that because a small part of me still doesn't want to believe that my mother is such a nasty person.
Perhaps the worst part is... I don't know how to handle these feelings and my relationship. Sometimes I'm scared because I'm convinced that Dave is going to realise that I am a bad person and leave me. Other times I just feel so insecure that I don't understand how he could possibly love someone like me. Even though we have a good relationship and he says he is happy, I feel like I'm being unfair to expect him to deal with this, and I should let him go so he can find someone better. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting to keep him with me, despite all this?
So many times in the last few days I have been on the verge of texting him and telling him to just find someone else. Find someone decent and clean and normal, because that's what he deserves.
If my mother couldn't love me, if I'm so bad that my own mother put me in a position where I could be abused, how on earth can I expect anyone else to love me?
