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Meds and meltdowns
Apr. 25th, 2011 10:57 pmI have a 'confession' to make. As of three days ago, I began taking my antidepressants again. After three years of being mostly medication free, I'm now back on 20mg of Citalopram and 50mg of Seroquel a day. In addition to the Loperamide I take for my stomach issues, and the Levothyroxine for my thyroid, that puts me on four pills a day - five on the days I have to take diazepam to stop a serious panic attack.
I guess it could be considered a positive step. I only started three days ago, and today I am already starting to feel relatively normal. A little manic, but generally more like myself, calmer, more in control. That's good, right? Not to me it isn't. I am gutted that after all this time, I am back at the beginning. I hate being medicated, and it feels like a huge step backwards.
I was 22 when the doctor told me that I would likely have to be on medication for the rest of my life. And I refused to accept that, so I stopped. And at first I did well, but then the down episodes started getting harder to deal with and I was getting more unhappy and more unstable. And some of you know that these last few weeks have been exceptionally bad for me. The anxiety, the self hatred, the depression, the rage. I started doubting my thoughts and feelings and memories, and questionning what I really wanted.
About three weeks ago, I cracked. I had a breakdown, of sorts. I was going outside and managing to keep a brave face when around others. Then I would come home, and have panic attacks and paranoid thoughts, or get angry and smash things and hurt myself, or sit here curled up in a ball sobbing. I didn't know what to do, or who to turn to.
I'm back on my medication. I can't fight any more.
I feel like a complete and utter failure: can't work, can't stay well. In ten years, you'll probably find me right here with FAILURE tattooed on my forehead - a warning of how not to be.
I'm very disappointed in myself.
I guess it could be considered a positive step. I only started three days ago, and today I am already starting to feel relatively normal. A little manic, but generally more like myself, calmer, more in control. That's good, right? Not to me it isn't. I am gutted that after all this time, I am back at the beginning. I hate being medicated, and it feels like a huge step backwards.
I was 22 when the doctor told me that I would likely have to be on medication for the rest of my life. And I refused to accept that, so I stopped. And at first I did well, but then the down episodes started getting harder to deal with and I was getting more unhappy and more unstable. And some of you know that these last few weeks have been exceptionally bad for me. The anxiety, the self hatred, the depression, the rage. I started doubting my thoughts and feelings and memories, and questionning what I really wanted.
About three weeks ago, I cracked. I had a breakdown, of sorts. I was going outside and managing to keep a brave face when around others. Then I would come home, and have panic attacks and paranoid thoughts, or get angry and smash things and hurt myself, or sit here curled up in a ball sobbing. I didn't know what to do, or who to turn to.
I'm back on my medication. I can't fight any more.
I feel like a complete and utter failure: can't work, can't stay well. In ten years, you'll probably find me right here with FAILURE tattooed on my forehead - a warning of how not to be.
I'm very disappointed in myself.
