Bad night

[i_love_freddie]

I know that it's good to cry... and it does make me feel better. But at the moment, I just can't. I feel too numb, and I'm not really sure why. That's the hard part, not really knowing why I'm currently feeling so bad. I get a bit tired of always being so up and down.

I know it takes time and I need to be patient, but sometimes I just want to be like normal people... and sometimes I worry that it'll never happen. I've spent almost 13 years trying almost everything ever suggested to me - seeking advice from professionals, counselling, CBT, writing my feelings down, medication, trying to eat healthy and sleep properly and all that - and none of it has really worked. Sometimes it helps for a while, but it never lasts. And that is so frustrating for me. It feels like I'm just going round in circles.

And there are people out there who care, I know there are. But I feel so guilty relying on them all the time, especially when I don't even know why I'm so upset. It's not really fair to put anyone through that, and every time I do admit that I'm feeling bad, I feel really guilty about it.

I think it's just that no one seems to like me for who I am. I grew up thinking that I wasn't really worth anything. And ever since then, anyone I do let into my life is either abusive or just ends up turning on me for no apparent reason. And I can't figure out why everyone wants to treat me badly, so I just feel like it must be my fault, that I'm not very likable, or worth talking to or spending time with. I guess it's just that when person after person after person treats me badly, there comes a point where I can't believe that every single one of those people has serious problems.

Some of it is easier to understand. The situation with my ex, M, for example. He abused me badly - physically, emotionally and sexually. And I do blame myself for some of the things that happened, and I still often feel bad about it all. But when I look at the situation now, I can see that he was definately an abuser. He had serious control and anger issues, he saw women as being 'less important' than men, and although I can't prove it, I have a strong feeling from the things he said and did, that he had a history of 'preying' on vulnerable women. Certainly, if nothing else, he is a master of manipulation. And I feel stupid for letting myself get into that situation, and not seeing the warning signs, and blocking out the rape, and letting him push me into the abortion, and not telling my family what he was doing... but I'm getting to the stage now where I'm beginning to accept that what he did to me wasn't my fault. I can see now that he is the one with the problems, not me.

It's a lot harder when it comes to people like my mother. I love my mother, and I do have to say that generally our relationship has got better since I left home. She has her own issues - depression, and she likes to drink - which would be fine were it not for the fact that she can get very nasty when she is drunk. When I was growing up, there was quite a lot of emotional neglect, one horrible incident involving emotional blackmail (which frightened me to such an extent that I still can't talk about it now, and it happened about 13/14 years ago), some physical abuse and a lot of verbal abuse, personal posessions being destroyed and so on. Nowadays it happened rarely, but there are still the odd ocassions when she tries to use emotional abuse or manipulation tactics. Back in December, she threatened to take my dog away from me, because I was going through a bad patch - not because she was concerned about the welfare of my dog, just because she wanted to have the control. It's probably worth me mentioning that she doesn't know about me being raped, because I'm not convinced that she'll believe me, and I fear she might try and use it against me.

She has never treated my two younger sisters anywhere close to the way she has treated me over the years. And that is what I struggle to understand. Why do it to me and not them? Are they better than me? That's what it feels like sometimes.

My dad's family think I'm a failure, and think my sister is perfect. Because she is the one with the relationship and the job, and she is prettier and has more confidence, every time we go anywhere, everybody always wants to spend time talking to her and most of them barely have more than a handful of words for me. I don't think I'm doing too badly, I'm living alone and I have a loyal dog, who loves me, but those things just don't see to matter to a lot of people. My stepdad is always criticising me about my weight, but he never says anything to his daughter - who is about the same size as me (not that I'd want him to - my point is, I don't understand why these people are always just picking on me!)

Some of the kids who bullied me at school were actually intelligent, decent kids, except for when I was around. My aunt's boyfriend made up lies about me to try and turn my family against me, and my sister's boyfriend was physically violent towards me - which my family chose to ignore. I've had several friends turn on me for no reason, tell lies about me and all that. Even the guy I was really in love with just went off and left me without any explanation.

I try to like myself. I try to believe that I'm a decent person and I don't deserve to be treated badly. And these days I like to think I've become better at standing up for myself, but it still keeps happening. And I can't stop thinking that maybe it is my fault that these things keep happening... because if I was nice and all that, why would so many of these people just target me, and no one else?

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm sick of not really being able to trust anyone, and not feeling sure of myself. I want to be able to make friends like normal people, and really believe that those people actually like me. I just don't know how. I've tried things to build up my self-esteem and none of them have worked.

Is it my fault that people keep hurting me? Is there some way I can break free of this?

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up now. It seems like trying to beat the impossible.