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Medication
Feb. 15th, 2009 08:01 pmI don't think I've mentioned this before, but I stopped taking my medication. I was on a daily dose of 40mg Citalopram and 50mg Seroquel, plus I was taking some other stuff for anxiety and stuff. I was also sometimes taking Diazepam - which is basically Valium, and which wasn't actually prescribed for me, I was getting that from someone else.
Looking back, it's probably no wonder I ended up a fucking mess.
I was on the Citalopram for three years, the Seroquel for two. Basically the two together were meant to balance out the highs and lows of manic depression, in addition to that the Seroquel was given to me to act as a sedative to help me sleep, and also to try and help manage my anxiety disorder. And it worked initially, I guess. The problem was, they just kept increasing my dosage more and more. The antidepressants left me feeling low and suicidal if I accidentally missed a dose, while the sedatives left me utterly exhausted all the time and gave me hallucinations.
In the end, it felt like there was nothing of me left. I didn't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I couldn't feel anything properly, because the medication numbed my emotions. I couldn't think clearly at all. Half of the time I didn't even really feel alive - just dazed and confused. And I couldn't even write properly... I think that was the final straw for me.
The professional people I saw weren't willing to work with me and co-operate in lowering the amount of pills I was on. So I made the decision, on my own, to stop. And I did... one week before Christmas, I stopped taking everything I was on. It took a while to get it all out of my system but now... it's over.
I want to write again. I can write again, with that same spark I had before all this. My sex drive has come back, in full force. I have the energy to do things again. I find myself wanting to go out. I can think clearly now, and feel things like normal people. Everyone around me has noticed a change in the way I am.
Yes, I still have my bad days. I still have quite a few issues that I need to deal with - but at least now I feel like maybe I can deal with them over time.
I finally feel like me again. And I am not going back to that, not ever.
Looking back, it's probably no wonder I ended up a fucking mess.
I was on the Citalopram for three years, the Seroquel for two. Basically the two together were meant to balance out the highs and lows of manic depression, in addition to that the Seroquel was given to me to act as a sedative to help me sleep, and also to try and help manage my anxiety disorder. And it worked initially, I guess. The problem was, they just kept increasing my dosage more and more. The antidepressants left me feeling low and suicidal if I accidentally missed a dose, while the sedatives left me utterly exhausted all the time and gave me hallucinations.
In the end, it felt like there was nothing of me left. I didn't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I couldn't feel anything properly, because the medication numbed my emotions. I couldn't think clearly at all. Half of the time I didn't even really feel alive - just dazed and confused. And I couldn't even write properly... I think that was the final straw for me.
The professional people I saw weren't willing to work with me and co-operate in lowering the amount of pills I was on. So I made the decision, on my own, to stop. And I did... one week before Christmas, I stopped taking everything I was on. It took a while to get it all out of my system but now... it's over.
I want to write again. I can write again, with that same spark I had before all this. My sex drive has come back, in full force. I have the energy to do things again. I find myself wanting to go out. I can think clearly now, and feel things like normal people. Everyone around me has noticed a change in the way I am.
Yes, I still have my bad days. I still have quite a few issues that I need to deal with - but at least now I feel like maybe I can deal with them over time.
I finally feel like me again. And I am not going back to that, not ever.
