LJ Idol Week 4
Nov. 14th, 2011 05:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i_love_freddieNotes: This is a bit random, I know. I needed to talk about some stuff, and I also needed to write an entry for LJ Idol, so I combined both. It's potentially triggering, there's mention of violence and rape and abortion, but I've tried to keep it quite non-graphic.
I got kind of triggered this weekend. Luckily it wasn't a huge, sudden, tear-my-head-apart-internally thing. It was more like... well, you know when you read something, or hear, or see something, and it seems to speak to you to you on some level? So you go away and you can't stop thinking about it, and the more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you get about it - and then you realise it is because it has reminded you of something that you don't want to think about?
Does that make any sense to anyone else?
On Friday, I was given a new topic to write on: narcissism. As someone with an interest in psychology, I consider myself to be vaguely familiar with the term but I thought I'd go and read about it anyway. Maybe reading a definition or two, maybe a couple of articles might give me an idea I could develop. And if I am honest, I kind of wanted to be able to reassure myself that I wasn't a narcissist myself - I have two relatives and a couple of friends who kind of fit the general definition; they are selfish, self-centred, hold the belief that the whole world revolves around them, have little time and sympathy for the problems of others, and so on - and I never saw myself as being that type of person. Thankfully, I don't think I am.
So I read a basic article on narcissism and then I went a little further and began reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. At this point I began to feel uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure why and so I continued reading. And I got to this:
To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.
Then it hit me like a lightening bolt - that is a spot on description of my extremely abusive ex partner, M. The more I read, the more the memories came back, and the more it made sense.
Controlling? Blaming? Absolutely, along with physically, verbally and sexually abusive.
Manipulating? Check. He was amazing at making himself out to be the good guy, and getting other people to do what he wanted.
Self-absorbed? This guy forced me into an abortion because he wasn't ready to become a father. I don't deny that it was for the best, but... no concern about my feelings, absolutely no consideration for the potential child, just: This is what I want, this is what we are going to do.
Intolerant of others' views? Reacts with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined? He was right, all of the time. Anyone who argued otherwise got shouted down or hit.
Lack of empathy? He mocked my mental health issues, talked and laughed about them with other people and tried to bully me into stopping my medication.
Insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen? Check. I was supposed to act as though he was the greatest boyfriend ever, even when he was behaving terribly.
And then the floodgates open, and after five years I can still remember these little things that make me feel sick. His creepy friend who used to make advances on me and touch me up, but M would blame me for the whole thing. The time he slapped me in the face during an argument. Those times when he would block the doorway and refuse to let me leave, even though I was scared.
It is almost like... when he raped me, he broke something inside me. He left his mark, so to speak. Physically, I can never truly feel clean. Mentally, I fear that I am always going to have this scar that will sometimes be reopened by the most normal, everyday things.
"What does narcissism have to do with me?"
My rapist was a narcissist.
I got kind of triggered this weekend. Luckily it wasn't a huge, sudden, tear-my-head-apart-internally thing. It was more like... well, you know when you read something, or hear, or see something, and it seems to speak to you to you on some level? So you go away and you can't stop thinking about it, and the more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you get about it - and then you realise it is because it has reminded you of something that you don't want to think about?
Does that make any sense to anyone else?
On Friday, I was given a new topic to write on: narcissism. As someone with an interest in psychology, I consider myself to be vaguely familiar with the term but I thought I'd go and read about it anyway. Maybe reading a definition or two, maybe a couple of articles might give me an idea I could develop. And if I am honest, I kind of wanted to be able to reassure myself that I wasn't a narcissist myself - I have two relatives and a couple of friends who kind of fit the general definition; they are selfish, self-centred, hold the belief that the whole world revolves around them, have little time and sympathy for the problems of others, and so on - and I never saw myself as being that type of person. Thankfully, I don't think I am.
So I read a basic article on narcissism and then I went a little further and began reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. At this point I began to feel uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure why and so I continued reading. And I got to this:
To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.
Then it hit me like a lightening bolt - that is a spot on description of my extremely abusive ex partner, M. The more I read, the more the memories came back, and the more it made sense.
Controlling? Blaming? Absolutely, along with physically, verbally and sexually abusive.
Manipulating? Check. He was amazing at making himself out to be the good guy, and getting other people to do what he wanted.
Self-absorbed? This guy forced me into an abortion because he wasn't ready to become a father. I don't deny that it was for the best, but... no concern about my feelings, absolutely no consideration for the potential child, just: This is what I want, this is what we are going to do.
Intolerant of others' views? Reacts with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined? He was right, all of the time. Anyone who argued otherwise got shouted down or hit.
Lack of empathy? He mocked my mental health issues, talked and laughed about them with other people and tried to bully me into stopping my medication.
Insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen? Check. I was supposed to act as though he was the greatest boyfriend ever, even when he was behaving terribly.
And then the floodgates open, and after five years I can still remember these little things that make me feel sick. His creepy friend who used to make advances on me and touch me up, but M would blame me for the whole thing. The time he slapped me in the face during an argument. Those times when he would block the doorway and refuse to let me leave, even though I was scared.
It is almost like... when he raped me, he broke something inside me. He left his mark, so to speak. Physically, I can never truly feel clean. Mentally, I fear that I am always going to have this scar that will sometimes be reopened by the most normal, everyday things.
"What does narcissism have to do with me?"
My rapist was a narcissist.
