LJ Idol: Week 1: I need the struggle to feel alive.

[i_love_freddie]

I am a perfectionist. I am hard on myself, harder than I would be on anybody else. It's the way I am.

I like deadlines. Goals. Something to strive for, to push myself further.

Before the breakdown, before my life became a whirlwind of depression and suicidal thoughts and medication that makes me too tired to function - I lived my life like that. I was always a loner, that kid at the back of the group that everyone bullied... but inside I had a strange kind of confidence; a belief in myself.

I stayed up all night scribbling fantasy stories in notebooks, certain that one day I would be a published author. When others made crazy suggestions, I would go along with hesitation. Anything that others could do, I would do - as a teenager I went to karate classes and I made friends with some boys. They did one armed push ups so *I* did one armed push ups. They went to the adult class so *I* went to the adult class - there was me at 5'2, a skinny little kid sparring with fully grown men.

It never occurred to me that I couldn't do it.

And I wasn't particularly happy back then. I had a lot of anger and was constantly struggling to fit in, I was bullied at school and abused at home because my parents had problems with alcohol and drugs. But I survived, by focusing on the next goal, the next achievement.

That is when I feel most alive.

Comments

[l0retta.livejournal.com]

I relate a lot to this. I pretty much believe that we can do anything if we're confident enough in ourselves.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

I had a strange kind of confidence; a belief in myself. I love this sentence and the odd dichotomy it had with your life. hugs.

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I'm very impressed by the one-armed push-ups!

[snogged.livejournal.com]

Goals are excellent tools to keep pushing you forward.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

It never occurred to me that I couldn't do it.
This is one of the most helpful attitudes of all, and look how-- when most logic would say otherwise-- it turned out to be true?

Keep believing in yourself. You're worth it, and worthy of it.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Hugs... This is beautiful! AW

[wildrose.livejournal.com]

I can relate to you on the perfectionism and being hard on myself all the time. I do however envy you on that confidence you kept up despite everything. That is something very valuable.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

This was such an interesting personal statement. Your self-confidence is certainly a great asset, but I am sorry to hear about your childhood and your current issues.

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I like your spirit to never give up. Good Going! Cheers to that.

[my-name-is-jenn.livejournal.com]

My parents struggle with addiction issues, too. It's tough for a kid.

[dmousey.livejournal.com]

Being a perfectionist is rough. That need to control your environment is pretty big monkey to carry around. I hope you can lay that burden down at some point.

I can relate to this for different reasons and many. ::huggs:: and peace~~~D

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people have been through something like this... or maybe it's just a lot of writers...

[murielle.livejournal.com]

"But I survived, by focusing on the next goal, the next achievement."

I wish this was me. All I ever feel is overwhelmed.

I like your entriy. Way to go!